The Awesome Always: Funny Quotes About Women

Funny Quotes About Women Biography

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Women are not easy to understand. Famous authors and poets have extensively written about 'woman.' Yet, no one can claim to fully fathom her mind. Get to know some feminine quirks with these funny quotes about women. Read witty wisecracks about a woman's nature. These quotes would make most women exclaim, 'What's all the fuss about?' But men would say, 'How true, how true!'
Nancy Reagan, Political Activist
A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Aristotle, Philosopher
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

James Thurber, American Humorist
I hate women because they always know where things are.

Malcolm de Chazal, Mauritian Writer
A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Jules Michelet, French Historian
Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Freya Stark, Author
The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised.

Gloria Steinem, American Feminist
Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

Gloria Steinem, Feminist
[speech at Yale University] Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

There is no such thing as an ugly woman. ~Vincent Van Gogh

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956

Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece. ~Author Unknown

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. ~Marianne Williamson, "A Woman's Worth"

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~Carrie Snow

You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. ~Cindy Crawford

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. ~Laurence J. Peter

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Author Unknown

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton

Women are always beautiful. ~Ville Valo

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy. ~Ellery Queen

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points. ~Mae West

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. ~Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf

There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde

There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that. ~Harold Robbins

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown

Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~Quentin Crisp

The most popular image of the female despite the exigencies of the clothing trade is all boobs and buttocks, a hallucinating sequence of parabolae and bulges. ~Germaine Greer

Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked. ~Ovid

Howiver, I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men. ~George Eliot, "The Harvest Supper," Adam Bede

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. ~W.C. Fields

Women really do rule the world. They just haven't figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble. ~"Doctor Leon," drleons.com

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man. ~George Meredith

Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed. ~Cornelia Otis Skinner

Lovely female shapes are terrible complicators of the difficulties and dangers of this earthly life, especially for their owners. ~George du Maurier

Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly. ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)

The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom. ~Guy de Maupassant

I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. ~Ogden Nash

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. ~Gail Sheehy

The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams. ~Simone de Beauvoir

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. ~Author Unknown

Be to her virtues very kind,
Be to her faults a little blind.
~Matthew Prior

They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. ~Oliver Goldsmith

A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women. ~Edgar Wallace

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone. ~J.M. Barrie, What Every Woman Knows

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. ~Aristotle Onassis

Men will always delight in a woman whose voice is lined with velvet. ~Brendan Francis

Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's

I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women. ~Elsa Schiaparelli

Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments. ~Art Buchwald, 1974

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. ~Oscar Wilde

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships. ~Gilda Radner

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1973

It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas, fils

I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. ~Fred Allen

When a woman comes to her glass, she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is, but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can. Whether this happens because they stay so long and attend their work so diligently that they forget the faces and persons which they first sat down with, or whatever it is, they seldom rise from the toilet the same woman they appeared when they began to dress. ~Joseph Addison

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

A woman should soften but not weaken a man. ~Sigmund Freud

Women are in league with each other, a secret conspiracy of hearts and pheromones. ~Camille Paglia

No woman will ever be satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that shoots out money. ~Author Unknown

When I glimpse the backs of women's knees I seem to hear the first movement of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony. ~Author Unknown

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. ~Bella Abzug

The basic Female body comes with the following accessories: garter belt, panti-girdle, crinoline, camisole, bustle, brassiere, stomacher, chemise, virgin zone, spike heels, nose ring, veil, kid gloves, fishnet stockings, fichu, bandeau, Merry Widow, weepers, chokers, barrettes, bangles, beads, lorgnette, feather boa, basic black, compact, Lycra stretch one-piece with modesty panel, designer peignoir, flannel nightie, lace teddy, bed, head. ~Margaret Atwood

Women go to beauty parlors for the unmussed look men hate. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Women polish the silver and water the plants and wait to be really needed. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one. ~Carolyn Kenmore

A woman's hopes are woven of sunbeams; a shadow annihilates them. ~George Eliot

There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man: These are the faithful women. ~Alfred Capus

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. ~Author Unknown

A man sometimes wins an argument, but a woman always wins a silence. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman. ~Honoré de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage

The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart. ~Author Unknown

If a woman must make a fool of herself, the least a man can do is to let her be one in her own way. ~When Ladies Meet, 1941 movie written by Rachel Crothers, John Meehan, Leon Gordon, S.K. Lauren, and Anita Loos, spoken by the character Bridgie Drake (not sure if this is also in the 1933 movie or 1932 play - anyone know?)

Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on. ~Billy Joel

A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery. ~Diana Stürm

In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman. ~Nancy Astor, My Two Countries

God did it on purpose so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you. ~Mrs Patrick Campbell, in reply to a male acquaintance who asked why women seem to have no sense of humor

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

A woman asks little of love: only that she be able to feel like a heroine. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. ~Helen Rowland

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. ~Stanley Baldwin

And verily, a woman need know but one man well, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them. ~Helen Rowland

I should like to know what is the proper function of women, if it is not to make reasons for husbands to stay at home, and still stronger reasons for bachelors to go out. ~George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss

Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves. ~Elissa Melamed

If your husband expects you to laugh, do so; if he expects you to cry, don't; if you don't know what he expects, what are you doing married? ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

There are three ways to spread news: telegram, television, and tellawoman. ~Author Unknown

Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men, but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen. ~Compton Mackenzie, Literature in My Time, 1933

One is not born a woman, one becomes one. ~Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1949

Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925

Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty. ~James Thurber, Time, 15 August 1960

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater. ~Bette Davis, about Jayne Mansfield

A woman's whole life is a history of the affections. ~Washington Irving

The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. ~Mel Gibson, about what women want

Women who make men talk better than they are accustomed to are always popular. ~E.V. Lucas

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be. ~Benny Hill

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. ~Elbert Hubbard

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. ~Robert Graves

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore. ~Edward Dahlbert

Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

A woman should be an illusion. ~Ian Fleming

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. ~Stephen Stills

It is because of men that women dislike one another. ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688

Behind every great woman is a guy looking at her ass. ~Author Unknown

Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog. ~Caroline K. Simon

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. ~Thomas Carlyle

Women who feel naked without their lipstick are well over thirty. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Women are like dogs really. They love like dogs, a little insistently. And they like to fetch and carry and come back wistfully after hard words, and learn rather easily to carry a basket. ~Mary Roberts Rinehart

It's simple. Women only nag when they feel unappreciated. ~Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time. ~Tallulah Bankhead

Women are beautiful, and yummy. ~A.C. Van Cherub

Women are most fascinating between the ages of thirty-five and forty, after they have won a few races and know how to pace themselves. Since few women ever pass forty, maximum fascination can continue indefinitely. ~Christian Dior, Collier's, June 10, 1955

A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful. ~Karl Kraus

A man chases a woman until she catches him. ~American Proverb

Variability is one of the virtues of a woman. It avoids the crude requirement of polygamy. So long as you have one good wife you are sure to have a spiritual harem. ~G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions, 1910

Beauty is the first present Nature gives to women, and the first it takes away. ~Méré

There's just something about letting a girl have her way with you. ~A.C. Van Cherub

Usually the woman has an appointment with destiny, and the man just happens to be there. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Brains are an asset, if you hide them. ~Mae West

With men, as with women, the main struggle is between vanity and comfort; but with men, comfort often wins. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her. ~John Vanbrugh, The Relapse, 1696

Is it too much to ask that women be spared the daily struggle for superhuman beauty in order to offer it to the caresses of a subhumanly ugly mate? ~Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch, 1970

A woman can look both moral and exciting... if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle. ~Edna Ferber

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them. ~Germaine Greer

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. ~Fran Lebowitz

You're booty-blinded. You know what that is? It's like being snow-blinded only it ain't no snow, it's a cute little piece of ass. ~From the movie I Spy

Women are never landlocked: they're always mere minutes away from the briny deep of tears. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

To get to a woman's heart, a man must first use his own. ~Mike Dobbertin, quoted in A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Through sources, we have obtained the following alien assessment of the human species: The male wants to be valued for what he pretends to be. The female wants to be overvalued for what she truly is. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention. ~Cornelia Otis Skinner, attributed

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. ~Samuel Johnson

Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. ~James Thurber

I hate women because they always know where things are. ~Voltaire

Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue. ~Hermione Gingold

The people I'm furious with are the women's liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket. ~Anita Loos, New York Times, 10 February 1974

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember. ~Author Unknown

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. ~H.L. Mencken