The Awesome Always: Funny Quotes On Life

Funny Quotes On Life Biography

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In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back….. Charlie Brown

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.--- George Carlin

No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.--George Carlin

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. --- Abraham Lincoln

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat -----Lily Tomlin

Don’t look back, somebody might be gaining on you --- Satchel Paige

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred…..Woody Allen

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~Author Unknown

Don't let someone be a priority in your life when you are still an option in their life…unknown

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.....George Carlin

Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, you’ll be right… unknown

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.--- Robert Frost

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.-- Will Rogers

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."…. Charles M Schulz

I think I've discovered the secret of life -you just hang around until you get used to it .--Charles M Schulz

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think... George Carlin

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.--- unknown

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.-- Mark Twain

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.----Jack Buck

Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.---Swedish Proverb

If an article is attractive, or useful, or inexpensive, they'll stop making it tomorrow; if it's all three, they stopped making it yesterday. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

If there is something you must do and you cannot do it, you cannot do anything else. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

I tell you this, and I tell you plain:
What you have done, you will do again;
You will bite your tongue, careful or not,
Upon the already-bitten spot.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. ~Author Unknown

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. ~Franklin P. Jones

It's always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped. ~Author Unknown

What you discover about life's shell game is that it's hardest to follow the pea when you're the pea. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

An unwatched pot boils immediately. ~H.F. Ellis

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark. ~Leopold Fechtner

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ~Will Rogers

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. ~Author Unknown

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire? ~Christy Whitehead

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~Author Unknown

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~Author Unknown

Why do they put the Gideon Bibles only in the bedrooms, where it's usually too late, and not in the barroom downstairs? ~Christopher Morley, Contribution to a Contribution

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. ~Grace Hopper

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. ~Author Unknown

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ~Author Unknown

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. ~Author Unknown

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered. ~Edgar Allan Poe

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~Author Unknown

The trouble with, "A place for everything and everything in its place" is that there's always more everything than places. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Amount of time it takes for a dog to "do its business" is directly proportional to outside temperature + suitability of owner's outerwear. ~Betsy Cañas Garmon, www.wildthymecreative.com

There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed for example that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter. ~Bat Masterson

No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown

Interchangeable parts don't, leakproof seals aren't, and self-starters won't. ~Author Unknown

It's my luck that every time I feel I completely comprehend God's plan, I don't have a pencil with me. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Keep a thing seven years and it's bound to come in handy. ~Russian Proverb

Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function. ~Richard Turner (1937-2011), The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. "The Mudge," from "The Curmudgeon's Short Dictionary of Modern Phrases"

Admiration is a very short-lived passion, that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object; unless it be still fed with fresh discoveries, and kept alive by a perpetual succession of miracles rising into view. ~Joseph Addison

I have never met anyone who wanted to save the world without my financial support. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

There are men whom you will never dislodge from an opinion, except by taking possession of it yourself. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. ~Sam Ewing

I find I always have to write something on a steamed mirror. ~Elaine Dundy

Self-Checkout Line – The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment. ~Richard Turner (1937-2011), The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. "The Mudge," from "The Curmudgeon's Short Dictionary of Modern Phrases"

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. ~Dave Barry

It's annoying to be disapproved of by people who know only half the story - especially when you're not sure which half they know. ~Robert Brault,